I’m going to be real for a moment here, and it is far from pretty. I’m frustrated with my body. Angry. Sad. Confused. Drained. It’s exhausting to feel like the place that should be a temple instead feels like uncharted territory. Making peace with yourself while you aren’t really feeling the “self-love” vibes can be extremely challenging.
With chronic illness, no two days in a body are the same. I truly can’t remember the last time I felt fully comfortable. I don’t even know what it would feel like to feel “in my body” anymore. I don’t know what normal is for me. It always feels like a chaotic war. And unfortunately, poor medical advice only adds fuel to the fire.
The amount of doctors who would look me over, not have any certainty on what’s going on, and then try to schedule a surgery for the following week to remove crucial body parts entirely. A hysterectomy doesn’t stop endometriosis from growing. So many doctors push birth control and hysterectomy rather than studying the disease and seeking other options that provide more support, love, and longevity to the female body.
It’s like seeing a tiny spider in the corner of your bedroom that MIGHT have the potential to bite you, and deciding to burn down your entire house. It just doesn’t make sense.
I have learned that while I rely very much on the help and support of medical professionals, I have to listen to own body, trust myself, and be my own best physician, because nobody will understand or feel my body like I do.
Living with chronic illness literally does make me feel like I am my own worst enemy. My body is constantly attacking itself, even when I am doing my best and doing “everything right” on paper, it never seems to be good enough. The interesting part is that for a recovering perfectionist like myself, it’s such a huge lesson in acceptance. No matter how hard I work or try or investigate, there’s no guarantee that it’ll help or that I’ll feel better. This is the lesson in loving yourself during the in-between.
Even when doctors make you feel crazy.
Even when a culture of talking heads force opinions on you.
Even when people don’t think you “look sick”.
Even when you are told you’ll be medicated for the rest of your life.
Even when you’re gaining or losing weight.
Even when the symptoms are excruciating.
Even when you can’t recognize yourself.
Familiarize yourself. Shake hands with yourself in the present moment. I hear so much about body positivity and loving our bodies no matter what, but for me, honestly, it isn’t that simple. I’m not there yet. The pain keeps me from being able to celebrate where I’m at. But I am able to love myself during this in-between season — the “not yet” on my healing journey.
I’m still on the adventure. It is so completely far from over, and is still filled with blood, tears, anger, and question marks. But I will never give up on listening to my body and seeking resolution. But in the meantime, tea, expression, and dog cuddles seem to be the best remedy.