Yesterday felt like too much. I can’t put to eloquent words the energy surges that I feel bursting from my soul…rattling my heart…making my mind feel beyond chaotic. It was all too much. The energy. The pain. The internalizing. The over analyzing. Let’s start at the beginning, and I’ll try to give the quick version.
It truly felt like a comedy of errors. I had a wisdom tooth pulled days ago, and haven’t been taking the pain medication so that I could drive to Ojai (where I am currently). With the taste of blood in my mouth, the car started to shake more and more. My check engine light had been on for a few days, but I had it looked at and apparently it was “nothing of concern or urgency.”
Long story short, this “nothing of concern or urgency” yesterday turned into a day without a car…lots of waiting…throwing up…hundreds of dollars spent…getting a ride back from an eerily silent/monotone lawyer…attempting to get a large work load finished with a scattered brain and body of pain…two Uber cancellations (because who wants to drive 20 miles to make $8 in Ojai)…a tow truck ride where I paid in homemade chocolate cookies because I had no cash..,the “nothing of concern or urgency” turning into multiple crucial safety issues…an attempted nap, but I just couldn’t rest.
In my lack of peace, my drained body stirred out of bed in frustration. As I opened my phone to Facebook, I instantly saw a flood of posts and articles reading, “Pray for Paris.” With a knot in my stomach, I googled it.
“What happened in Paris?”
I didn’t receive my peace. What I did receiver was perspective…more of it than I could handle. Suddenly the actual physical pain in my heart lessened for myself and grew for others. The blood in my mouth from wisdom tooth extraction took on a new meaning. I hated tasting the blood, because it no longer reminded me of my pain…it reminded me of OURS. The lack of car didn’t matter. The money didn’t matter Humans did.
How selfish am I?
How weak am I?
How focused on the minuscule am I?
While I had a mere rough day, lives were lost and changed.
Yesterday, my heart broke more, but it didn’t die. It broke OPEN. It broke in a new way that allowed in much more empathy, much more perspective, and with that may come much more pain. I want to love and save the world. And not just the big picture, but the one. I want to save you. I want to save me. And what haunts me is that I really don’t know how. I may never really know how. I’m not Jesus. I’m not superman. I’m just “90 pounds of fury”, as one of my friends calls me. But I guess what I’m saying is I can’t do much, but I care. I hear you. I see you. It isn’t fair. I wish I could take it. I can’t. But I will continue to feel. I will continue to share in your suffering.
Whether my pain or (y)ours, it’s all too much sometimes. Sometimes I want to be numb. Cynical. Blinded. Perhaps ignorance is bliss. But we are far too informed for that. It IS overwhelming. But let’s keep feeling with and for each other and moving forward as one. Please.