I write/rant/journal every day, but tonight, I intentionally wrote a little letter to myself. This is not perfect, eloquent, over-analyzed, or orderly. It is just my truth…a message to reflect and remind myself that amidst the pain, personal progress is always here. Thank you off allowing my rant…to grow…to share my journey and thoughts…to be here.
2015 has been beyond a whirlwind. Loss…death…mourning. The loss of myself, the gaining of myself. Redemption became reality. Grace became tangible. I became human. My soul feels fully integrated for the first time in my entire existence. It costs personal fear to be authentic but the reward is integrity. It is scary. “Scary close” as Donald Miller would say. However, it feel good to be someone I know.
The emotions can hit hard every once in a while, but just this past week, I realized they didn’t control me anymore. Sometimes I’m still sad…really sad…but I’m no longer afraid. The monsters turned out to be just nightmares…that’s the only place I find them now…and even those are becoming less frequent.
Even though I am naturally introverted, I have always loved and needed time with my people. But during the mourning process, hiding felt necessary. It was healing at times. I am now coming back out of my shell. Or was it a cocoon? Was I healing in the hiding? Perhaps the safety of it all was nurturing who I needed to become. Being alone meant I didn’t have to perform. As my friend Nancy told me the other day, introverts who love people (like us) can do great with others. But it’s like this iPhone I’m currently typing on. It serves it’s purpose…it can go out everywhere with me and do more than I can wrap my mind around. But it is only capable of these functions if I leave it alone and let it charge first. It needs to be isolated…untouched…uninfluenced for a while. I am getting my charge back.
In moments of deep despair and loneliness, God whispered to me through the evening breeze. He spoke to me about my place, my significance, through a mountain in Ojai. He breathed life over me with each sunrise. I was never alone. I was never unseen. I was never unimportant.
I am learning to see the progress in the little moments. I can look people in the eye again. I can speak without holding back tears. I believe that being myself is enough. What a victory. It hasn’t all been perfect…I haven’t been flawless. But we cannot be judged by a season. We are all too complex and beautiful for that. I am learning to trust that some people can and will love who I am in process. So I continue to grow. Outside of the confines of fear, and outside of the comfort of my cocoon, I will fly. I am here. I am present.