This year has been quite a journey in regards to figuring out what life looks like, learning how to adult (not sure I’ll ever fully have that one down), letting go, and seeking growth. For far too long, I have fallen back on habits and ways of living that are not conducive to me becoming the healthiest and truest version of myself. People pleasing, being codependent, and making bad choices is actually unnatural. It doesn’t feel human. It isn’t how we were wired. We were made for more. We were designed as humans to be human. I have always had a tough time with allowing myself grace and room to be fallible. That’s the point of this ramble, I guess. In the wise words of Donald Miller,
“We don’t think of our flaws as the glue that binds us to the people we love, but they are. Grace only sticks to our imperfections. Those who can’t accept their imperfections can’t accept grace either.”
Disclaimer: I am too tired to sugarcoat, wear a mask, and pretend to be someone I simply am not. This post is me. The human me. I am going to share some of my random thoughts on authenticity, adulthood, and navigating this weird and beautiful life that has been entrusted to me. I am reflecting, processing, and setting new goals and standards for myself. As I am continuing to grow and evolve into the woman I want to be, I wanted to jot down personal vows. Here goes:
-Sometimes the pain is just too much. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. I could never have foreseen some of the hurts I have encountered in my short years on this planet. The wounds will heal. I really do believe this. Even the ones that are so deeply carved into my being. If they leave scars, the scars don’t have to haunt me. They can inspire me.
-It doesn’t matter how many people have told me not to cry. I need to
LE T | I T | O U T.
Feeling the feelings doesn’t make us weak. It makes us human. I will let myself feel it all. I won’t run away from my thoughts and emotions anymore, no matter how loud they may be. I will turn them into art. I will translate the noise into something of worth. Purpose will come from the pain. I will cry. I will feel. I will heal.
-I don’t need to have all the answers. And the scary truth is that I never will. Some people and scenarios and heartbreaks will never fully make sense. I will learn how to digest and let go. I will not let the introverted control-freak side of me take over, internalizing and dwelling on what I do not fully “get.” I will embrace God’s peace that surpasses all understanding.
-The past hurts will come back and creep in sometimes. It will hit so hard it feels crippling. The lies and voices in my head will be loud at times. No matter how excruciating it is, today I vow to never cope in the self-destructive ways I have before. I am done drinking just so that I have a moment of silence and numbness, a brief period of relief from the chaos of my internalizations. I am done escaping. I will not push people away who love me truly. I will face the pain head-on. I will punch fear in the face. And the perfect love casts out all fear.
-It’s okay to make mistakes. But “mistake” implies an accidental offense. I will extend myself a sufficient amount of grace when I make a mistake and have a flawed moment. Because if I am learning and growing from it, that’s all it is. A moment. And it is absolutely unfair to be judged by a moment, by a season. We are all more complicated than that.
-In the same way, I will offer this grace freely to those who have hurt me, and for those who haven’t even hurt me yet.
-Grace doesn’t give me an excuse to make poor choices or have bad behavior. Jesus didn’t die for cheap grace. He gave us grace as a costly gift, something of unimaginable value. I will now live my life according to that truth.
-People pleasing is exhausting. Facades are tiring to build, easy to break, and painful to recover from.
It’s okay that I’m not invincible.
It’s okay that I can’t do it all.
-Applause is a quick fix. Approval from others has been my drug of choice for way too many years…the potent high causing me to perform as I play the part and pretend to be someone else. I will be unapologetically, honestly me, even if no one understands or rewards me for it. I will not sell my soul for applause and approval…I will not “play dead” in order to get a treat while the real me is actually slowly dying inside.
-It’s okay that not everyone understands my life. Their validation is not what I am breathing for. I must stay true to my vision, remain on the right path, and create, live, love, and be who I must. I am allowed to chop of my hair when I want to. I can wear a huge flannel. I can write weird songs. I can be whoever and whatever I am.
-I will not try to force or convince anyone to love me for who I am. I am enough.
-I will always give grace to those who have hurt me, and I will always choose forgiveness, even when I cannot understand the pain. However, I will not put myself in harm’s way ever again. I will forgive, but will never keep people or circumstances in my life that are toxic, damaging, or compromise who I need to be.
-I will not be cynical and
jaded. I will not let my past paint my present or future. I believe in unconditional love. I believe people can change. I believe in growth. I believe in new beginnings.
-Being tender and sensitive doesn’t make me weak. I will view this as a strength and gift.
-Real love is an acquired taste. I am done with low-end “love”, which really isn’t love at all. It isn’t deep. It isn’t true. It isn’t unconditional. It’s just something else masquerading as love. As Donald Miller says, “But true intimacy is just like that: it’s the food you grow from well-tilled ground. And like most things good for us, it’s an acquired taste.” I vow to be healthy for myself and others. I will love well. I will do love in a healthy way.
I’m sure this list could go on forever, and I could/should make many more vows to myself. Thank you for accepting me in process. Thank you for reading about my transition and journey, as I am striving to become a healthier woman. Humans cry. Humans hurt. Humans feel. Humans make mistakes. Good humans grow. Great humans transcend. That is who/what/where I want to be. To whoever is reading this, thank you for letting me be me. Thank you for letting me become human.