“God, I’m tired.”, were the only words my weary soul could muster the other night as I sat up in bed, wide awake, yet thoroughly exhausted. It took me a while to even have the energy to begin talking to God. My body was sick, feeling incredibly weak…I was having car troubles…I had a meeting that didn’t go very well. Emotionally//mentally//physically//spiritually…I was drained. I felt empty. Alone.
I started thinking about how Jesus must have felt on the cross. At one point, he said, “I commit my life into your hands.” As I read this, to be real with you, I felt a bit baffled. My tiny mind can’t possibly comprehend the kind of pain, agony, and loneliness Jesus must have been feeling. And yet, he remained faithful.
Those words that Jesus spoke were actually a prayer that Jewish mothers used to pray with and for their children. As he was dying, he was really saying that he was going to sleep. That he would find peace and rest. He was going to wake up into something new. As the sleeve of my sweater wiped a few tears (and let’s be real, a gross runny nose as well), I was in awe. Out loud, I said to Him, “Wow. All of this from a commitment.” Peace. Rest. Renewal. New life. Redemption. Awakening. All from one significant commitment.
Can I be honest with you for a moment, friends? I’m not here to tell you that when you commit your life into God’s hands, everything will become easier. That you won’t be sick, that your car won’t break down, that all of your relationships will be a breeze. But there is weight and glory in this kind of commitment. The peace doesn’t come from me continuing to fight him every step of the way, or from me continuing down my habitual ways. The faith that comes from the commitment. When I feel myself making second nature choices for the wrong reasons, decisions with fear-based intent, or living out of reaction rather than living in the freedom Jesus has so openly offered, I have to stop and remind myself that there is a bigger plan for my life. If my life is in His hands, and He is not a father of fear and destruction, I need to simply allow myself to rest, to trust, to truly test the strength of the faith I have inside of me.
Can I share one more candid, honest thought from my tired brain with you? Well, it’s my blog, so I’m going to do it. Sometimes, I really do feel alone. I don’t doubt God’s existence. But I do sometimes wrestle with wondering if He truly cares for me…for my silly worries…for my hurting heart…for my frail body…for my broken car…for the areas of my life that are in deep need of restoration. When I doubt these truths, when I wonder, when I feel far from Him (truth be told, feel He is far from me), I can’t rely on my own feelings or knowledge. I read the verses below…sometimes out loud…sometimes in disbelief…sometimes with tears and mascara stained cheeks. But I read these words because in the depths of my weary, human, natural spirit, His Holy Spirit fills me with supernatural peace. I try to read it till it becomes true to me. But we are being real, right? Sometimes in the midst of a war zone, we just won’t feel this truth. That’s where faith comes in. That’s what committing our lives into His hands really means. It’s resting in this truth regardless of circumstance, feelings, or my own stubborn ways. Regardless of where you’re at today or what you believe in, I encourage you to read the Psalms below as an inspiration for your journey. Thank you for listening to mine.
“You’re my cave to hide in,
my cliff to climb.
Be my safe leader,
be my true mountain guide.
Free me from hidden traps;
I want to hide in you.
I’ve put my life in your hands.
You won’t drop me,
you’ll never let me down.”