During this fall season, my lovely room mate and I are leading a girls connect group together (doing a study by Beth Moore), and each week we go over some of the questions in our workbook as a group. This past week, one of the questions was:
When was the last time you were stunned by something God did for you and perhaps wondered, “Who Am I that You would even look upon me?”
After reading this question, my answer was clear and simple. I pulled out my black pen and plainly wrote:
When Nathan proposed to me.
Listen, friends…I am not easy to handle. I’m stubborn, difficult, flawed, and sinful. You might be thinking “aren’t we all?” But truly-based on my past hurts, experiences, mistakes I had made, and struggles, I don’t know if I ever truly believed that I would be the kind of girl that got the “great, amazing, wonderful husband.”
I knew God loved me…and I knew grace existed, because I had heard about it in songs and read it in scripture numerous times. But I knew how much I had fallen short, and I never felt like I deserved true love, true happiness, and a truly good man.
Nathan had to chase me…he had to be persistent at winning my heart, because not only was I stubborn, but I was so very broken. My heart wasn’t completely repaired when he started this chase…and that’s why I fought it so much, caused so many problems, and had to make this love story a long journey that required some serious effort. I had to grow closer to God, allow Him to lead my entire life, love Him fiercely, and become His girl before I could really be loved by anyone or love anyone else properly without causing them pain.
The moment I glanced down and saw Nathan on one knee, and heard those words come out of his mouth…“will you marry me?”…my heart was overwhelmed, my brain couldn’t think, my eyes couldn’t fight back the tears…because this wasn’t just a clear expression of Nathan’s love for me, it was a clear expression of God’s love for me.
I realized that God must truly think I’m something special if He would trust me to spend the rest of my life loving, caring for, and helping the most incredible man on the planet. In that moment, I finally felt like God’s favorite…His very best daughter…someone He would want the best for.
Nathan and I are currently in week number two of our church’s pre-marital group, and we are loving every minute of it. It is a wonderful learning opportunity for us, and we are soaking it up. That being said, it’s easy to get caught up in the practical tips and steps that go into setting a strong foundation for a marriage. I was taking notes, thinking, and totally absorbed. On the drive home, we talked about how much we already love doing life together, and it reminded me that while the practical things are all crucial and important, the amazing thing is that we actually love each other. We aren’t just getting married out of logical reason, practicality, timing, age, reason. We are getting married because we are best friends, family, team mates, absolutely in love, and completely on fire for God.
God loves each of us so much…and it’s amazing to see how God blesses me and takes care of me just because I simply chose to allow Him to. From a girl who wasn’t sure she believed in fairytales, love, or happy endings, I’m here to tell you that God will re-write your story if you let Him. Your past, mistakes, flaws, and shortcomings don’t add up to what God has for you. His plan is greater.